Taunting Guilt
by Arthen
Summary: Their blood stained his hands even the world's largest ocean would run dry and fail to cleanse them. . .' Ever wondered how Mamoru, TRULY handled his parents' death? This is my version.
1. Darkness

Title: Taunting guilt  
Chp: 1 -- Darkness  
Author: Arthen  
E-mail: arthen@saiyan.com  
Rating: PG-13   
Standard disclaimers apply.  
AN: A new ficcie, which I hope earns your satisfaction ^_^  
Any comments and criticism are apreciated.  
  
** ** ** ** ** **  
  
  
Darkness . . .  
   
   
Pure and utter darkness enveloped the night sky, and amongst the still   
lifeless roads the encircled the high mountains. One vehicle dared to   
journey in a night, where the skies expressed their utmost anger.  
   
   
Drops of rain beat against the earth, sending clusters of strong winds   
blowing furiously in an angry lash. Thunder roared violently, creating   
echoes of fury against the spaces of nothingness.  
   
   
A flash of lightening lit the darkened sky, revealing the figure of a   
small boy, snuggling protectively in his passenger seat; fear gripping   
his heart. The rain continued to fall mercilessly against the lone car,   
as it struggled to maintain it's balance on the rocky; yet slippery   
roads.  
   
   
A strong bolt of lightening zapped sovereignty amongst the massive   
nimbus clouds, expressing a vengeful fury. His heart beat rapidly,   
fuelled by nerve racking fear. His body shivered uncontrollably; not   
from the cold, but from the enraging tendrils of darkness.  
   
   
An ear shattering roar erupted, sending his adrenaline to it's peak. He   
screamed in fear and desperation, in need of his mother's embrace. In   
an attempt to reach the safe confines of his mother's warm   
protectiveness, he did not anticipate the distraction he had caused, as   
his father lost his controlled grip over the steering wheel; nor did he   
anticipate the swirling of the car as it drove off the cliff and plunged   
deeper, and deeper into and endless pool of . . .  
   
   
Darkness . . .    
   
   
   
** ** ** ** ** **   
   
   
   
His eyes snapped open, beads of sweat trickled down his unnaturally   
paled cheeks. It was that dream again, no . . . nightmare that claimed   
his mind and a chain of restless sleep, ever since the accident that   
robbed him of cherished memories.  
   
   
He saw himself as a little boy, no younger than 6; and the event as the   
scenes unfolded before his very eyes. Regarding the countless times   
he's received these disturbing visions, he could never distinguish the   
features of either parent. Although, he caught one dominating   
emotion that radiated from their eyes . . .  
   
   
Fear . . .  
   
   
He could never forget that look, nor deny the guilt that etched at his   
soul. It was his fault, his parents had died!  
   
   
Murderer . . .  
   
   
Their blood stained his hands; even the world's largest ocean would   
run dry and fail to cleanse them. He deserved it, all of it: the pain, the   
anguish, the guilt, the loneliness.  
   
   
It was his fault!  
   
   
All his fault . . .  
   
   
Why hadn't he died then?! Oh, how much he would give if they   
survived instead!  
   
   
Murderer . . .   
   
   
   
** ** ** ** ** **   
   
   
   
He took a look at his alarm clock, 5 pm . . . 'I can't possibly go back   
to sleep now . . .'   
he silently contemplated to himself. After much need thought,   
Mamoru decided to take   
a walk, perhaps it would ease his troubled mind and raging emotions.   
Putting on his coat over a pair of sweat pants and polo shirt, he   
headed out the door.  
   
   
For a whole 2 hours, he wandered aimlessly, walking along the   
smooth paths of Juuban park, and long resolved to settling against the   
railing of a small bridge that overlooked the lake.   
   
   
His mind and soul still struggled with the over whelming emotions,   
he knew he could not   
deny them anymore, no longer hiding behind an emotionless barrier.   
He couldn't go on like  
nothing had happened; cold and aloof, as he grew up to be . . .  
   
   
Through his childhood life span, he grew up deprived of happiness,   
love and friendship.  
Even the simple act of crying deprived him from grieving over his   
parents' loss . . .  
   
   
Pain . . .  
   
   
He learned to be independent, making himself believe that he needed no   
one, he could make it on his own without being hurt. Thus, he   
distanced himself from society, from the physical and emotional   
abuse that the bullies at the orphanage inflicted upon him. He shut   
himself off, numbed from the pain, away from humiliation,   
from love . . .  
   
   
Loneliness . . .  
   
   
He pushed himself to work hard, plunged deeper into his studies; an   
escape from the world he knew all too well. Now, he was a full   
scholar at Azabu High, a prestigious all-boy school, he secured a   
good job, rented his own apartment and owned a fancy car. He had   
anything a man his age would ask for, the looks, the charm and a   
mind! Yet; there was something vital missing, something that his soul   
yearned for in the midst of all the pain . . .  
   
   
Love . . .  
   
   
And then, there was Motoki, his friend, his ONLY friend. It still   
amazed him how Motoki persistently continued to be by his side. He   
cared for him, more so an affection only one would hold towards a   
dear brother. Yes, he was like a brother to him, though he would   
never admit it, he would not deny it either, yet he kept himself at a   
distance from fear that if ever Motoki discovered his horrible sin, he   
would lose him and his friendship.  
   
   
Murderer . . .  
   
   
The rain began to pour heavily . . . just like it had then 11 years ago . .   
. Yet, he ignored the shivers that ensued as endless wisps of cold air   
blew against his soaked figure. He felt the numbness creep up his   
hands and gradually coursed its way to all his body, he welcomed it   
openly.  
   
   
Perhaps this way he could dull the pain . . .  
   
   
   
** ** ** ** ** **   
   
   
   
Several hours had passed since she found him there, transfixed and   
unmoving. She was on her way home, hoping to reach there before   
the rain worsened.  
   
   
"Mamoru-san?" She questioned timidly, moving closer towards the   
stooped figure. His head swirled to meet with the caller of his name,   
and then their eyes met . . .  
   
   
Dark midnight blue against clear sky blue eyes . . .  
   
   
His stare frightened her, they burned with an intensity . . .  
   
   
Could it be?  
   
   
Pain?!  
   
   
That was impossible! This was Chiba Mamoru, the detached,   
reserved man that enjoyed taunting her. The same strong, egoistical   
jerk that looked unnaturally vulnerable at that moment . . .  
   
   
"Daijabou ka?" she queried, worry etching at her face. He didn't   
respond, but continued to gaze in confusion, bewildered as to why she   
was there.  
   
   
"Are you alright?" she repeated for the second time, it took him a   
while to allow her words to sink in, did he then utter hoarsely,   
"Odango?"  
   
   
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion . . . 'What is wrong with him?'    
Pulling her umbrella closer, shading them both from the pouring rain,   
she allowed her eyes to wander his drenched figure and noted his   
fierce shivering.  
   
   
He felt her eyes boring into him and inwardly blushed, he opened his   
mouth in an effort to voice out his confusion, but was greeted with a   
fit of coughs. Alarmed, Usagi leaned towards the hunched form as   
another seizure of violent coughs ensued.   
   
   
"Mamoru?" She called out in panic, as his fits grew more intense.  
   
   
She tugged at his sleeve and with much effort, dragged him towards a   
secluded bench. Taking in a deep breath to sooth her raging panic, she   
stretched a delicate hand towards his forehead and inwardly gasped.   
   
   
He was burning with fever!  
   
   
Pain surged through his chest like an erupting volcanoe, his head   
swam in a sea of nausea, and what little energy left, was used to   
strengthen his losing grip on consciousness. He found it difficult to   
breath, as his chest racked with ensuing seizures that whipped at him   
ruthlessly; lungs tightened from lack of air.  
   
   
   
"Mamoru?", her soft voice floated across his mind, registering her   
frantic tone, he struggled to reassure her. "It's OK, I'm alright", lifting   
his eyes to meet hers and granted her a small brave smile in   
assurance. Unfortunately it was all too soon as another fit of coughs   
attacked.  
   
   
A feel of dread settled in the pit of her stomach, as her eyes lay set   
upon the pool of crimson that began to seep from the hand he used to   
cover his mouth.  
   
   
"BLOOD! God, what's happening to you?!" Tears threatening to spill.  
   
   
'No time for that Usagi! I have to find help somehow!' She berated.  
   
   
Heading towards the nearest telephone booth, she called the first   
person that came to mind.  
   
   
"Hello?"  
   
   
"M-Motoki?"  
   
   
"Usagi-chan! . . . Is there something wrong?" he questioned, sensing a   
feel of foreboding.  
   
   
"H-Hai . . . It's Mamoru . . ."  
   
   
   
** ** ** ** ** **   
   
 to be continued . . .  
  
  
** ** ** ** ** **  
  
  
Either review or email, and let me know what you think!   
  


	2. Hazey Greys

Chapter 2  
  
"Please take a seat Mamoru-san." Gestured the Doctor, while she   
seated herself behind her large wooden desk. Slightly nodding his   
head in gratitude, Mamoru accepted the offered seat opposite the desk   
taking a quick glance at the multiple objects that lay strewn across the   
large table, before taking notice of the doctor who began to flip   
through a folder she had been carrying earlier. He noticed how her   
eyes furrowed in concern, as she continued to browse through the   
records before lifting her head to meet with his inquisitive gaze.   
  
"It seems Mamoru-san that the results for the tests that we have   
administered a few days ago bear bad news . . ." Taking his silence as   
an indication to move on, the doctor hefted an inward sigh as she   
rearranged her thoughts.  
  
"The tests prove that you have been suffering from a rare case of lung   
cancer, unfortunately the cancer has long multiplied and spread   
towards your heart. At the rate these cells are increasing it's only a   
matter of time . . ."   
  
Shocked by the sudden news, Mamoru sat ideally as he allowed the   
words to sink in; however making sure that his befuddled expression   
did not seep through his neutral mask and yet he couldn't stop his   
hands from slightly shaking. "How long do I have?" He questioned   
calmly as he averted his gaze from his fidgeting hands.  
  
"You have less than a year. . ." Her eyes softened in sympathy before   
continuing, "I'll have you transferred to an experienced doctor who   
will be in charge in administrating the necessary therapy and help you   
to accommodate the illness. It is all that we can offer in your current   
state; however we will need your consent before we carry out any   
task."  
  
Absently nodding his head in approval, a million thoughts raced   
through his troubled mind though one thought continued to rage   
strongly . . . "I'm going to die."  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ten minutes passed after the distressed call, Motoki drove as fast he   
could against the rain that threatened to increase; to find Usagi tending   
to an unconscious Mamoru. His faced etched with worry and deep   
concern as he caught sight of Mamoru's pale features and pain filled   
expression. Not wasting time in questioning Usagi of Mamou's sudden   
lapse in health, he bent over and gently lifted the dark haired youth   
from the bench as he wrapped one of his arms around his waist while   
the other rested over his shoulders; bearing the brunt of his weight as   
he headed towards his car ushering for Usagi to follow.  
  
Helping Motoki place Mamoru upright against the back passenger   
seat, Usagi claimed the seat beside him using the dry towel Motoki   
had offered in an attempt to reduce Mamoru's shivering. In a   
whirlwind of haste Motoki frantically reclaimed his seat behind the   
steering wheel intent on sending his friend to the nearest hospital.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Kuso" Motoki cursed inwardly fifteen minutes later, as he abruptly   
stopped in front of another roadblock for what seemed to be the   
umpteenth time.  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
Hefting a deep sight to cool his raging anger Motoki replied, "To our   
luck all the nearest roads to the hospital have been blocked due to the   
heavy rain, I have no idea where to go from now . . ." Shutting of the   
engine momentarily, Motoki allowed himself to lean further against   
the chair in defeat before turning his head to divert his gaze towards   
Mamoru's.   
  
"How's he doing?"  
  
"Not Good", she shook her head negatively brows furrowed reflecting   
a deep concern before she continued, "Is there anyplace near that we   
could go to? We have to get his temperature down before it worsens   
any further."  
  
Contemplating his current location, Motoki analyzed the accessible   
routes as he took in Usagi's suggestion. "Mamoru's place is the closest   
from here" he answered as he revived the engine heading directly   
towards Mamoru's residence.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
With Usagi's help, Motoki grasped Mamoru's keys from his wet   
soaked pocket and unlocked the door to his apartment. Bearing the   
brunt of his weight, Motoki trudged carefully towards Mamoru's room   
to help him undress into a warmer pair of clothes and settle him to bed   
whilst Usagi went into the living room to make a phone call.  
  
Placing an extra blanket over his quivering body, Motoki bore a look   
of worry at Mamoru's lack of consciousness and rising temperature,   
removing his hand that rested on Mamoru's forehead he took a few   
steps towards the cupboard. Motoki grabbed a few towels and a piece   
of cloth, as he reached the living room he caught sight of Usagi   
carefully replacing the phone handle and gestured towards the phone   
in a silent question whilst tossing her a towel to dry. Accepting the   
towel with a small smile, Usagi allowed herself some time to quickly   
dry herself before answering; "I made a quick call to my mom to let   
her know that I would be home late, though I had to make her believe   
I was still at Rei's place so I called Rei afterwards to let her know.   
Thankfully Ami was still there so I asked for some directions to   
handle this."  
  
"Does anyone else know?" He questioned fearing Mamoru's possible   
bout of anger if word got out on his moment of weakness.  
  
"Don't worry it's only Rei and Ami, I made sure to ask them not to tell   
anyone." Although it was tempting to use this situation against her   
arch-nemesis, she couldn't find it in her heart to do so, not after   
witnessing his sudden collapse. Shuddering at the thought, Usagi   
involuntarily sneaked a peak at the sleeping figure behind the partially   
closed door.  
  
Mistaking her slight shaking due to the icing weather, Motoki gestured   
in a brotherly manner "Lets head to the kitchen for a warm drink, can't   
afford to have you fall sick too". "Mamoru could use something warm   
flushed into his system." Usagi replied as she followed him into the   
kitchen this time taking time to admire the small apartment.  
  
Scarce furniture adorned the living room, with a large leather couch in   
the center facing a fairly sized television set and two large wooden   
shelves with neatly stacked books located on the far end walls.   
Although the immaculate cleanliness, there were no frames or pictures   
that decorated the barren walls giving off a dull yet placid atmosphere.  
  
"I think it's about time you tell me what happened"   
  
Cut off from her train of thoughts, Usagi turned to find Motoki   
rummaging through the cupboards before turning to give her his full   
attention. Hefting a sigh as she re-arranged her thoughts, Usagi began   
to retell the day's events.  
  
:: to be continued ::  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
Note: The long awaited second chapter is up, comments and criticism are   
always appreciated.  
  
Side Note: Currently running a small Inuyasha fanfiction archive focusing  
solely on Inuyasha x Kagome pairings, anyone interested in posting their  
fics thus help the site expand are always appreciated.  
  
For any queries you can contact me on arthen@email.com  
  
Site's url: http://eternal.mokora.net 


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